If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment