Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
You Might Also Like
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters