Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.