Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets