If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
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To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I need better friends
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?