Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Lmbo

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?