Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

(Electricians.)

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*