Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

Lmao

rich people when they have to pay taxes

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

We avoided this particular disaster

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink