Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.