Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha

Batman: *pulls out batarangs*

Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?

Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham

Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol

Batman: me too!

[both eye last carton]

inventing words: clothing

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

lumberjacks will cut a birch

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

I’m so full I could puke a horse

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV