Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

Smells like a challenge to me

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*