If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.