If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
That’s it.I’m out.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”