If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
You Might Also Like
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
catch me on valentine’s day like
