If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
i will not be silenced
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.