Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
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Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you