Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Finally, an explanation.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

unbelievably distressed by this ad

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.