Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.