If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac