If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Any refunds available?…
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.