If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
*performs CPR on the turkey*
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you