If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

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Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.


Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then


Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”


How to make microwave popcorn:
2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped.
2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.


[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know


Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox


Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.


it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something


MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see?
ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*


The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.