BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”
Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.
Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
Me: buy the kids
Me: a trampoline.