@_Mo_lee_

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

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@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

@SteveKoehler22

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

@thenatewolf

Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.

Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”

@DirtMcTurd

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

@pilau

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

@ElgatoEsmio

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

@david8hughes

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].