@_Mo_lee_

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

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@redherringbear

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

@T_N_Crumpets

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

@GeorgeTakei

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

@Bluestmoon_

How to make microwave popcorn:
2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped.
2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.

@KalvinMacleod

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

@BuckyIsotope

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

@sir_shithead_I

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

@mostlysharks

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

@iamspacegirl

MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see?
ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*

@causticbob

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.