Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole