If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
For real 🤣
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Gods work.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
This anagram machine is out of order.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay