“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
what’s in a name?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed