“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor