If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Just me and my debit card against the world
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.