If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
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got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool