If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.