If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
You Might Also Like
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.