Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.