If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
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Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here