Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.