If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Baking is just science you can eat.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*