If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
love it when they get my name right
this is the news I live for
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes