Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

I ate everything, including the H.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Same post same

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Him You’re the reason I’m up at night

Me: Awww

Him: Please stop calling me at 2am

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

#Caturday

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”