Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*

Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

i spent way too long on this

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Self-cleaning conscience

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…