Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.