If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
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*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
The Friday File.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”