If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
