Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.