People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.