@mjkspeaks

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

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@deankarrier

People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear

@charhorwood_

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

@notmythirdrodeo

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@ficklenuts

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans