If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
How can I say no to this ?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…