If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.