Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

There is no “we” in pizza

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

ㅤ

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.