if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.