Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

ㅤ

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances