if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer