If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?