If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I WON A HAM TODAY
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
