If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
aesthetic
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃