If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
i really liked this one
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.