Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately