Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*