Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

58.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Saw your ex at the shops

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

thanksgiving in nutshell

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.