If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
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Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith