if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
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My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Sunday
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
