if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
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God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
waiting for halloween be like:
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.