If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
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“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
*fills out form*
*clicks “send me a copy”*
email: *dings*
me: ooh what’s that
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD