If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
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I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
the three branches of government
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices