If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
😂😂
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.