If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
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[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
The hardest thing Vision has to do
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.