If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
You Might Also Like
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
this could fix me
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle