If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
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That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?