If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
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[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Can Happiness buy money?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you