If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
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So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!