If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids