If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late