If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Confused owl: What?!
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
