If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I think we should hear other voices.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body