If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Saint West, the patron of selfies
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]