Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

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[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way