If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”