If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.