If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I didn’t know they can drive…
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”