Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

RT if you know someone like this!!!

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.