If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
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Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
New tinder profile pic
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
opening twitter today
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks