Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent