Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.