If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Oh, I bet you would be
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
