If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
You Might Also Like
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper