If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it