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Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”