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4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Jogging
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?